On The Beach Education Corporation

I was in prayer tonight and reflecting on the many blessings bestowed upon me. I’ve been thinking of a Christmas or New Year’s letter to inspire everybody. Let every heart rejoice. Joy to the world and all that. Instead, the words “inconsolable pain” came in to my head. And a smile touched my lips in fond memory of those dark years. Yes, I remember that terrible decade, nine years actually. That memory is a good friend today. That’s why I have such joy in my life. To the extent that one travels on their journey through pain, there is that much more joy on the other side. My journey through the valley of the shadow of death began August 1986 and ended December 1995.

So here is my letter of exhortation which means to persuade, inspire, encourage. I consider myself rather dense and stubborn. Why else did it take nine years for me to get the lesson? Between August to December 1986, I experienced one of the most traumatic and despicable acts of betrayal that one person can perpetrate on another. It sent me into a clinical depression. I was having nervous breakdowns. My body would have shaking fits and I’d go temporarily blind. It got to the point where I could not function. I couldn’t even go shopping. Every day I wanted to die. I didn’t want to live. But there was one thing that kept me going every day, day after day. I lived in the moment because that’s all I had and this is the promise that I kept repeating to myself…

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11. This one promise kept me alive.

You see, at the time, in the morass of my despair, depression and inconsolable pain, I could not see the work that was being wrought by invisible Hands. I could not see the promise in my non-existent future. I had no future. There was no future. It did not exist for me. There was only pain, an excruciating indescribably delicious pain. Because if you can feel pain, then you are feeling. And if you are feeling, that means you are alive. And that makes you rare and unique.

To be able to feel such intense emotions is a wonderful gift. We are the only creatures with the ability to feel and reason. And my reasoning at the time was “why is this happening to me?” which is the wrong question. Every thing happens all the time to every one. It’s how we interpret it.

It took a very long time for me to figure that out because I was stubborn and refused help. But eventually there came a day…  that day … DD-Day. I call it the Do or Die Day.

It’s hard to imagine that I allowed myself to suffer for six years before I sought professional help. I had been terribly hurt by a “counselor” who wanted to heal me. Now I had to make a conscious decision to accept the help of a counselor because I really couldn’t help myself. That decision was frightening. To be vulnerable and exposed to even worse injury. But there was something far worse that drove me forward: survival is not living. I felt dead and I needed to be alive. I couldn’t stand being the walking dead any more. I would rather die trying to live than pretend wanting to die. If I had to be hurt again, so be it. It really couldn’t have gotten any worse than it was.

Because deep down inside you, there is a Truth. I call it a Knowing. You know that you are Loved; that you are Cherished; that you are Precious; that you are so much more resourceful than you can ever know. Every cell in your body is a miracle. You are a miracle.

Our problem is that we take everything for granted. Every thing has a purpose, a teaching, a lesson. The universal design is all about increase, expansion, growth. It’s the law of life: if you are not growing, you are automatically dying. Take a lesson from any plant. And when a plant dies, there is a re-birth. There is new seed, new roots, new blossoms, new fruit.

You know that you are part of a Grand Design do you not. You feel it. And it’s really hard to describe. Yucky is a temporary stage. It is but for a season. I thought that seasons ran in three month intervals. That’s the weather seasons for the planet Earth. There is an experiential season for your soul and the time frame varies. You don’t have to go through nine years of your own personal hell to get the lesson. I was just extra stubborn. And my reward … extra love, extra joy, extra energy.

When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you come out the other side a far wiser, stronger, brilliant, compassionate soul. It’s not something you can read about or think about. It is an experience that fortifies your character and strengthens your resolve beyond anything imaginable. You enter the valley like a dirty lump of coal. Add a little heat, pressure and time. You exit the valley as the brilliant diamond that you are. Because your true calling is to be a light unto the world. And this is how I stand in the gap for our hurting brothers and sisters. Look beyond the hurt. You are being groomed by the Supreme Intelligence to answer your calling. You are the Chosen One. You are not given any experience that you cannot bear. It just feels like you can’t take it but believe me. You can. You are more resilient than you can ever know. God knows it. I know it.

Today, I am a testament to my pain, my tears and my fears. I thank my ashes for out of them I have created beauty.

Isaiah 61:3 “To give them beauty for ashes”

Looking back and reflecting on my life, it would certainly have been shameful to let all that despair go to waste. I wish for you to see the beauty that awaits you; the promises to be fulfilled. You need to stay for the pay off.

Not in a thousand years could I have imagined the rewards that my Heavenly Father would bestow upon me today. I am truly blessed. The richest blessing of all is the connection that I have with you, my network. Thank you for being you. I have gifted each and every one of you a special blessing from my heart to yours. Namaste.